According to ESPN, the NBA is considering adding a four point shot. This is why they should do it:
1. Jimmer Fredette will go from not even being wanted by his own team to having the entire NBA chase after him like he’s the black pearl from the Pirates of the Caribbean.
2. Josh Smith will take a ridiculous amount of four pointers and shoot around -13%, causing all the advanced stats people’s brains to burst into a thousand pieces.
Watching Josh Smith take (and of course miss) threes is like watching a talented sculptor paint horrible paintings over and over again. STOP PAINTING. GO MAKE COOL STUFF OUT OF MARBLE.
3. Steph Curry.
4. If we refer to a three point shot as “from downtown” or “way downtown,” the four pointer should be referred to as “the outskirts.” Imagine hearing the great Marv Albert yell “Curry, from the outskirts… YES!”
NEW BASKETBALL TERMINOLOGY YEAHHHHH
5. This is something new for LeBron James to yell at Mario Chalmers about.
6. This is a new thing the Knicks can screw up and disappoint their fans with.
“Shot clock turned off, game clock at four. Knicks down by 1. Bargnani lofts a four pointer high into the air! It hits the shot clock! Game over, Knicks lose again!”
7. On that note, J.R. Smith took 17 three pointers in a game this year, converting only five. Can you imagine what he’d do with a four-pointer?
Extra value shots are like highly dangerous illegal weapons for Earl Joseph “J.R.” Smith. If given a four-pointer, he might be the scariest single entity in the Big Apple since the “Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.”
Wait… highly dangerous illegal weapons… Sorry wrong Knick.
8. Maybe we can use this as a sort of bargaining chip against the NBA’s most disgusting trend.
We will adapt to your four point shot IF AND ONLY IF…
YOU GET RID OF THOSE STUPID SLEEVED JERSEYS. NOBODY WANTS A SLEEVED JERSEY. THE PLAYERS HATE THEM, THEY LOOK STUPID, AND THEY ALMOST RUINED THE ALL-STAR GAME THIS YEAR.
It is revolting that in their first career All-Star appearances, Damian Lillard, Steph Curry, and Paul Millsap were forced to go out on a national stage looking like a bunch of penguins that crashed into an unfinished Jackson Pollock painting.
Shame on you, NBA. Bring these back:
9. Players would have to guard against desperation heaves if their team is up by four or less, and make more free throws at the ends of games. Every point becomes more valuable when there’s a four-pointer in play.
10. All of the Harlem Globetrotters would get contracts throughout the league. Wouldn’t you love to see LeBron James in the same backcourt as Johnny “Hawk” Thomas, a man who once canned a shot from the upper deck of Madison Square Garden?
Or, we could just combine DudePerfect and the Globies and have them be the 31st NBA franchise.
They would have no home court advantage (no home arena), be out-matched in talent every night, have ridiculous multi-colored uniforms, be slower and shorter than all of their opponents and have zero inside presence at all.
Basically, they’d be the Utah Jazz.
Maybe this isn’t such a good idea…